Yesterday
by Jen10
Summary: A Han Solo Fic. Based on the song "Yesterday" byt the Beatles.


Han Solo walked through the countless markers of those who gave their lives fighting for the Rebellion

Han Solo walked through the countless markers of those who gave their lives fighting for the Rebellion. But there was only one for which he came to visit.   
  
So many things had changed in his life. He had gained so much since his adventures began. He fought the Empire and won, fell in love and married Leia. They had three children together, all of whom where growing faster than he could have ever imagined. He'd traveled across the galaxy and back. Seen things and places most people could only dream about. But for all that he had gained, there were many things, which he lost. Ships, friendships, teeth, ...Bria...Chewie.   
  
'Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.'   
  
Chewbacca's death ripped Han to his core. The pain taking along with it, emotional scars which he had long thought to be patched. Which is why he was at Bria Tharens grave marker.   
  
As he kneeled down to sit next to her grave, Han was surprised to feel that his cheeks were wet with tears.   
  
'Now it looks as though there here to stay.'   
  
"Oh, Bria." His voice faltered once. He paused to get a better control of his emotions. "Bria look at me. I know that you are somewhere looking down at me, thinking, 'Where is that strong man I once knew?' To tell you the truth sweetheart, I don't even know myself."   
  
He paused and reached out a hand to trace her name on the copperstone.   
  
'Oh I believe in Yesterday.'   
  
"Force Bria, I've missed you. Do you ever think about what might have been? I mean, if you never took that command squadron into the trenches?" He stopped and grinned that crocked smile both Leia and Bria had found so irresistible. "I found out later that it was your Squadron that gave the Rebellion the plans to the Death Star. I was so proud of you honey."   
  
"Remember when I used to stick my neck out for a just cause, but pretended not to care?" He laughed out loud.   
  
'Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be.'   
  
"The truth of the matter is. I'm so scared." The tears started to build up again. "I never figured that Chewie would die. I always thought that I would be the one to go first, not him. Chewie was invincible. He died saving my son, you know." He smiled briefly. "But, who's going to watch over us now?"   
  
"I don't think that I can keep everyone safe anymore. Leia's going on yet another dangerous mission, and the kids are throwing themselves into the fight. But what am I doing? I'm sitting here, crying my eyes out because my best friend is gone."   
  
'There's a shadow hanging over me.'   
  
"Bria, tell me what to do. Help me out, please. I don't know what to do anymore."   
  
Han wiped his face with his sleeve. He felt a gentle breeze, which was warm and comforting. "Thanks Bria."   
  
'Yesterday came suddenly.'

Han sat there for a while, basking in the familiar presence of his old love. He would always love Bria. She had taught him how to love in times when his faith was tested to its' limits. He had told Leia about her on the night on Endor after the second Death Star explosion. Talking throughout the night, Han retold the tale of meeting Bria and how she changed his life.   
  
Leia was always so supportive of him whenever the anniversary of Bria's death came around each year. And now when Leia was trying to reach out for him again during Chewies' death, he simply pushed her away.   
  
'Why she had to go.'   
  
"What do you think of my Leia, Honey. I imagine that you two would have gotten along famously. She's strong, my wife. Just like you were." He smiled at the marker. "Looking back, I think that's the reason why we didn't stay together in the end. We were both too stubborn to change what we believed in.   
  
He stopped and his eyes adopted a look of going over images of the past.   
  
"You know, sweetheart. I wouldn't change anything for the universe. It was because of you, that I met Leia, and I can't imagine her not being in my life. She and the kids are the best things that have ever happened to me."   
  
'I don't know she wouldn't say.'   
  
"Well, actually." He stopped himself. "The last time we saw each other. I wish," He started. "I wish, things could have ended on a, umm, better note.   
  
Han almost knocked himself in the head. "Sorry, sweetheart. You know that subtlety isn't my strongest feature.   
  
'I said something wrong.'   
  
There was another gentle breeze, which quieted Han's next words.   
  
"One of my biggest fears is, if I was too late to say I'm sorry about how I hurt you. What would I do, if something happens to Leia or the kids, and I never get the chance to reverse the pain I've put them through these last couple of weeks?"   
  
Once again, the tears started to well up in the usually private man.   
  
Han felt that he had no answer to his fear. He continued to sit in silence.   
  
'Now I long for Yesterday.'

There was such a personal pain that Han felt when he thought about the way he was ignoring his family. After Bria died, he swore off to ever love again. Leia changed that thinking all together.   
  
There was a happiness, which he felt that was beyond description whenever his wife or children were around. He had never known his parents, and vowed him his children were born, he would be there for them. To teach them right from wrong, to give them a hug when they cried. He felt that he succeeded for most of their lives, but as of late, his own kids were the one to support him and wipe his tears away.   
  
Once more, he pushed those he loved most away. He couldn't explain it or find reason to justify his actions. It was just an old automatic reflex, but what was the cost of it?   
  
'Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.'   
  
"Bria, my youngest, Anakin, reminds me a lot of you. You both share an adventurous look on life, and have the two of the kindest hearts I've ever know." Han thought about the memories he had piled up about his youngest son. But frowned when he thought about the relationship changes he and his son had gone through over the past couple of weeks.   
  
"The look on your face when I walked away from you, was the same on Anakin's when I blamed him for Chewie's death. I just can't shake the look of rejection." Han shook his head at himself.   
  
"I think that's partly the reason I'm going away for a little bit. I can't handle anymore looks of rejection and pain."   
  
'Now I need a place to hide away.'   
  
"So I'm running Bria. I'm running from Anakin, running from my wife, and now I'm even running from myself." He gave the grave a sad smile. "It's what I do best, don't you remember? Han Solo, the loner."   
  
He sighed a weary sigh. "If only I could run back to Yesterday. I'd move the Heavens and Worlds to do it. I'd turn it back to when times were simpler. I'd go back to when my three were younger. It'd be just me, Leia, the kids, and Chewie. Just to the days where we were by ourselves. Everyone was safe and secure. Both Leia and the kids looked to me as though I held the universe together without even trying." He rubbed a hand over weary eyes.   
  
"And even when you thought that I wasn't looking, I saw that belief in your eyes, too." Han could still see the light Bria held in her face.   
  
"The problem is, I can't see my family looking at me that way anymore. I'm lost to them."   
  
'Oh I believe in Yesterday.'

"You know, Bria. I always thought that the look of trust in my family's eyes would always be there. Hell, even Luke had faith in me." Han gave a short laugh. "I mean, come on, a Jedi believing that that I could get the job done."   
  
He reached out to let a hand rest on the gravestone. "There was something comforting there. Stability. That was a thing I've never had, and finally, I was the one who help it in my hand; in my heart."   
  
"And then I go and tare that trust up. As much as that hurt me, it doesn't hurt as bad as the look that Leia gives me now. They are painful enough to rip my heart into two."   
  
'Why she had to go.'   
  
"You might have taught me how to love, sweetheart, but Leia has shown me the true meaning of it. I was so afraid to love after you died, Bria. I shut myself off emotionally, and then there she was, in a garbage shoot right by my side."   
  
He let his hand fall back to his side. "I sometimes under if you sent her to me, as a final gift. Just another way to make sure I stayed out of trouble."   
  
'I don't know, she wouldn't say.'   
  
"Or maybe, your just making sure that my daughter looks out for me. Jaina was named after you, honey. Jaina Bria Solo. I felt that I should give back something to you after everything you've given me."   
  
"Now as much as Jaina watches out for me, I would rather it be the other way around. Watch out for her, will ya? You've done a pretty good job so far, but things are getting bad down here. Real bad." He shivered slightly as he thought about the awesome force they were up against.   
  
'I said something wrong.'   
  
"No one is safe anymore. There are so many dying, Bria. Too many people if you ask me."   
  
Han stopped suddenly as though a new thought had just occurred to him. "Bria, is it wrong for me to wish that I could trade everyone's death's just to have Chewie back with me? Because I wish every day that we never went to that damned planet. I wish that we didn't save those people. I wish that I had my best friend back with me. I-I just wish…" He stopped and let the silence of the night engulf him.   
  
'Now I long for Yesterday.'

Han suddenly became angry and jumped up from his seat. His emotions were all over the place. One minute he was regretful, the next, remorseful. He was next full of pain, and finally, Han was just plain angry.   
  
"Bria, I don't want to go down this road again, I just don't." He began to shout, not really caring about the setting he was in. "From the time I was 3, everyone I cared about died. My parents, Dewlana, you, and many others."   
  
'Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.'   
  
"And then for years, everything slowed down, and eventually stopped altogether. And even though I was in just as much danger as I was before, I felt like I could get away with anything. Not that there wasn't some scary times." He stopped his pacing and vigorously rubbed the back of his head. "When my children were kidnapped. I came here remember? But I wasn't like I am now. Then, I was just outraged. How could someone take my children? But even when I was at my worse, I knew that we would get them back. But we won't have Chewie back with us, will we? That's what it all comes down to."   
  
"Force, Bria." He whispered once more. "It's almost like I'm being punished for some reason. Like for every time I've cheated death, someone I've been close with has had to pay for it. But you know what? I'm tired of being the one who is responsible for so many deaths. I should be the one who takes the fall for all of my risks. Not my family." There, he had finally said it, the thought that had been churning around in his head for the last few months.   
  
'Now I need a place to hide away.'   
  
Suddenly everything became hazy to Han. Just as it had so many years before when he was a drifter. Nothing mattered, except him and Chewbacca. He began to smile, but something was painfully shoved into his thought process. Chewie's not here, things aren't the way they used to be, and they won't ever be this way again. It was an overwhelming feeling, which caused Han to drop to his knees for yet another time.   
  
"Why! No one should have to go through this pain Bria, not even the Emperor himself. I don't feel whole, like I'm a real person anymore. I know that people who love me surround me, but I never thought that it would change the way that I live my life. I don't know what to do." The pain in his voice was riding close to the surface. "With all of these questions, though, no one has given me the answer, of why? That's all I need to know." His head hung down.   
  
"Because, Han." A female voice behind him called to him."   
  
His head lifted, and he slowly turned around. "Leia." He whispered.   
  
'Oh, I believe in Yesterday.'


End file.
